I’m not really sure what to say. Rain pounds the dry pavement and the echelon of tepid sound imitates symposium. I feel as though my golden tears are shed in vain – and there is nothing that I can do to collect them in a silver bucket to make a river of smiles. You have decided to move on from my love – against the grains of panels holding up the sky – along the walls that make this sound barrier to the soul; you have decided that I am not what you need in your life. I think that is what hurts the most – it’s not that I could have done something differently – perhaps had I not left we would be at this place in a different way – but I think there or here I would be in the same exiled fashion as I am now. It hurts more than I fucking know what to do with. Tears intermittently fall from my face and wet my cheeks and shirt – my brain circles and cycles through that which I could have done – could do still – want to do – have do to – and there is nothing that I can do. You don’t want me to call you – you don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know what to do with that right now. I feel as though I have placed myself into this life now that I am here – and I don’t want to be here anymore but I cannot go back and so I just need to chew it up really hard even though it tastes like shit and find a way to cope. Years past I would have drank thousands of dollars on this one – or smoked a forest of trees or smelled the cold snow for weeks, but now that I have nothing like that to do with – I am stuck here to feel each centimeter of pain – each millimeter of suffering that my heart and mind places upon me. It feels like one thousand missing pieces in a one thousand piece puzzle – and I don’t even have the picture to look at on the back of the box even if I had a piece to place – I would not know where to begin. I guess that I never really thought that I would have lost you – so now that I have lost you I am living a plan that I had not anticipated. I really didn’t think that you would leave – and I had planned on returning to a lovely and happy existence with you. I had thought that I would be able to see you and know you and be with you – the demur portrait etched unto my forearm, scantily clad notions whisper inline, morose details falling yet still, dynamic and swirling inside this culpable discretion and now that you are saying no no no I am here left alone on the cliff and looking down just isn’t safe anymore. My heart is telling me that this is not a right place to be and to feel – I want to lay in bed four weeks and think about how much I am feeling hurt right now – and quantify my emotional pain and justify my self pity and feelings of selfless worth. I cannot quite decide what the best course of action for me at this time will be – I want to run – but I am already on a rock in the middle of the ocean – so there is not much more that I would get to were I to leave. And leave to where my money is running dry I was planning on seeing you in a couple of weeks – and now I may never see you again – in my life. Not on my birthday will I get to hear you tell me that you love me nor on Christmas will I get to see your smiling face at the diamonds I had bought for you and as I gave them to you you slowly unwrapped the box and peeked inside and decided that you loved them but not as much as you love me. Now I am not sure – cause I guess when you love someone you can’t really leave them for someone else emotionally – and I feel that now that you have left me – or are in the process of leaving me – that maybe you did not love me to quite the extent that I had understood it – it is a quandary for my mind and one that I must figure out on my own now that I am lone – and one that I wish that I could forget about – however I cannot forget about it – because it is something that is inside me – something that lives in me with each breath I take and each time I blink my eyes. I will think fondly of the times we had together – and truly do my best to understand why I had to feel the love for you and with you only to have it ripped outside of me and watch my heart on the sidewalk as it tries to pump itself back into my chest – but fails – and lays limp at my feet – in a puddle of dried blood – hoping that there is a way to resuscitate it, knowing that I will just have to wait for it to grow back – but since it has had to grow back before – perhaps I am out of heart tissue – which is what I fear – that now that your love is walking away I will never have another love as deep or for me what felt to be so true – and though we had our quibbles – I knew deep down that I wanted you to be me and to be my family and to share our genes and reproduce a wonderful onslaught of soldier children capable of educating and defacing the millions of bad seeds being planted daily. Lets face it – there is truth in soup and when the soup makes you sick shit ain’t right. So I guess I should have listened or should have known that I was setting myself up for sadness and failure in so many ways – and now that you are giving chance x-number to another reality one that has aged and grown a layer of rust so that the joints don’t flow and the poetry doth not prevail that I cannot even count anymore – I guess my pain and hurt and regret for leaving and second guessing and abandonment and embarrassment for being such a pussy over losing you and my pain and my anger and my bitter and my lackluster vision of the next year and my discretionary belief that I will be sad for x-number of days I cannot even count – and how to daily and moment to moment ignore that gnawing sickness that now lives in my chest where once I was filled with love. May something happy find me soon – for the stress of my daily living has gotten to me now where I am on the verge of frieking out – and will something make me smile soon truly and deeply – for I am sick of my fingers bleeding and sick of being covered in dirt and sick of not knowing where I am going to lay my head or where my next warm meal is coming from. I guess I am asking whatever power that may be – for be there a call to god then maybe I need to become a religious cause apparently my shit just ain’t all stitched out lately and my grand plans for good things to come just went pear and the girl that I love is gone – and now I have to fucking deal with it. Dreams cloud the vision where the air is cloudy and the particles infiltrate my memory - I breathe if not to live and caress my ego slightly so that the purring of mine affection is loudest in mine own head – and the compatibility of me with self is that which I must now focus on a digital representation of mine own apparition of psyche. If this is part of my plan – I hope that one day I can look back and smile fondly at what a silly uncle kale for all my tears and pain. And tears. I love you. Goodbye I guess. Goodbye for now but not forever but I guess as you say maybe forever this time.
complication makes me break the glass
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Well, I’d like to think that time heals all wounds and that in tough times I try to remember “Amor Fati” – Love of Fate – and however things turn out – for good or ill – that I wouldn’t want it any other way. Not in the past, not in the present, not in all eternity.
alas, i find that we place ourselves in situations we know will create extreme emotion, so as to know we are still alive in this over-developed world. to feel the pain, to know the joy, to experience the love, to be real, like the velveteen rabbit….that is life. and tho at times it may be unbearable, it will never be unlivable, because at that point is the moment when we leave. whether we are aware or not. so, kudos to you for loving, for leaving, for knowing what it is to feel. without people who are willing to live, like you are, we would be a world devoid of humans….we will slip further into the world of droids when you and i leave. so keep on keepin on brotha. to breath, to see, to feel, to touch, to taste, to smell…these are the things i am happy for. just to be alive.